Like many people who judge others harshly, I realized I had just taken a very long and painful walk in the shoes of those I had judged. I now understood those crazy codependents. I had become one. Gradually, I began to climb out of my black abyss. Along the way, I developed a passionate interest in the subject of codependency. Page 8 considered myself one and as a writer, my curiosity was provoked. As a "flaming, careening codependent" a phrase borrowed from an Al-Anon member who needed help, I also had a personal stake in the subject.
What happens to people like me? How does it happen? Most important, what do codependents need to do to feel better? And stay that way? I talked to counselors, therapists, and codependents. I read the few available books on the subject and related topics.
I reread the basicsthe therapy books that have stood the test of timelooking for ideas that applied. I went to meetings of Al- Anon, a self-help group based on the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous but geared toward the person who has been affected by another person's drinking.
Eventually, I found what I was seeking. I began to see, understand, and change. My life started working again. Soon, I was conducting another group for codependents at another Minneapolis treatment center. But this time, I had a vague notion of what I was doing. I still found codependents hostile, controlling, manipulative, indirect, and all the things I had found them before. I still saw all the peculiar twists of personality I previously saw. But, I saw deeper. I saw people who were hostile; they had felt so much hurt that hostility was their only defense against being crushed again.
They were that angry because anyone who had tolerated what they had would be that angry. They were controlling because everything around and inside them was out of control. Always, the dam of their lives and the lives of those around them threatened to burst and spew harmful consequences on everyone.
And nobody but them seemed to notice or care. I saw people who manipulated because manipulation appeared to be the only way to get anything done. I worked with people who were indirect because the systems they lived in seemed incapable of tolerating honesty.
I worked with people who thought they were going crazy because they had believed so many lies they didn't know what reality was. Page 9 I saw people who had gotten so absorbed in other people's problems they didn't have time to identify or solve their own. These were people who had cared so deeply, and often destructively, about other people that they had forgotten how to care about themselves. The codependents felt responsible for so much because the people around them felt responsible for so little; they were just taking up the slack.
I saw hurting, confused people who needed comfort, understanding, and information. I saw victims of alcoholism who didn't drink but were nonetheless victimized by alcohol.
I saw victims struggling desperately to gain some kind of power over their perpetrators. They learned from me, and I learned from them. Soon, I began to subscribe to some new beliefs about codependency.
Codependents aren't crazier or sicker than alcoholics. But, they hurt as much or more. They haven't cornered the market on agony, but they have gone through their pain without the anesthetizing effects of alcohol or other drugs, or the other high states achieved by people with compulsive disorders.
And the pain that comes from loving someone who's in trouble can be profound. No wonder codependents are so crazy. Who wouldn't be, after living with the people they've lived with? It's been difficult for codependents to get the information and practical help they need and deserve. It's tough enough to convince alcoholics or other disturbed people to seek help. It's more difficult to convince codependentsthose who by comparison look, but don't feel, normal that they have problems.
Codependents suffered in the backdrop of the sick person. If they recovered, they did that in the background too. Page 10 counselors like me didn't know what to do to help them. Sometimes codependents were blamed; sometimes they were ignored; sometimes they were expected to magically shape up an archaic attitude that has not worked with alcoholics and doesn't help codependents either. Rarely were codependents treated as individuals who needed help to get better.
Rarely were they given a personalized recovery program for their problems and their pain. Yet, by its nature, alcoholism and other compulsive disorders turn everyone affected by the illness into victimspeople who need help even if they are not drinking, using other drugs, gambling, overeating, or overdoing a compulsion.
That's why I wrote this book. It grew out of my research, my personal and professional experiences, and my passion for the subject. It is a personal and, in some places, prejudiced opinion.
I'm not an expert, and this isn't a technical book for experts. Whether the person you've let yourself be affected by is an alcoholic, gambler, foodaholic, workaholic, sexaholic, criminal, rebellious teenager, neurotic parent, another codependent, or any combination of the above, this book is for you, the codependent. This book is not about how you can help your alcoholic or troubled person, although if you get better, his or her chance of recovery improves too.
This book is about your most important and probably most neglected responsibility: taking care of yourself. It's about what you can do to start feeling better. I've tried to round up some of the best, most helpful thoughts on codependency. I've included quotes from people I consider experts, to demonstrate their beliefs.
I've also included case histories to show how people dealt with particular problems. Although I've changed names and certain details to protect privacy, all case histories are true and are not composites. I've inserted endnotes to document information, to suggest additional reading, and to attribute material to appropriate sources.
But, much of what I've learned has been from many people and their similar thoughts on this subject. Page 11 around, and their sources have become indistinguishable. I've tried to attribute accurately, but in this field that is not always possible. Although this is a self-help, how-to book, please remember it's not a cookbook for mental health.
Each person is unique; each situation is unique. Try to tap into your own healing process. That may include seeking professional help, attending self-help groups such as Al-Anon, and calling on the assistance of a Power greater than yourself. A friend, Scott Egleston, who is a professional in the mental health field, told me a therapy fable. He heard it from someone, who heard it from someone else. It goes: Once upon a time, a woman moved to a cave in the mountains to study with a guru. She wanted, she said, to learn everything there was to know.
The guru supplied her with stacks of books and left her alone so she could study. Every morning, the guru returned to the cave to monitor the woman's progress.
In his hand, he carried a heavy wooden cane. Each morning, he asked her the same question: "Have you learned everything there is to know yet? This scenario repeated itself for months.
Relieved to end the daily batterings but fearing reprisal, the woman looked up at the guru. To her surprise, the guru smiled.
You now know everything you need to know. Many people have learned to do it. You can, too. Page Then, everything went crazy. Georgianne, married to an alcoholic This is Jessica's story. I'll let her tell it. I sat in the kitchen, drinking coffee, thinking about my unfinished housework. The list was endless, yet I couldn't get started. It was too much to think about. Doing it seemed impossible.
Just like my life, I thought. Fatigue, a familiar feeling, overtook me. I headed for the bedroom. Once a luxury, naps had become a necessity. Sleeping was about all I could do. Where had my motivation gone? I used to have an excess of energy. Now, it was an effort to comb my hair and apply makeup daily an effort I frequently didn't put forth.
I lay on my bed and fell into a deep sleep. When I awoke, my first thoughts and feelings were painful. This, also, was not new. Page 16 happen; or the mixture of fear, helplessness, and hopelessness that blended into all the other emotions. Damn him, I thought. Why did he have to drink? Why couldn't he have sobered up earlier? Why did he have to lie? Why couldn't he have loved me as much as I had loved him? Why didn't he stop drinking and lying years ago, when I still cared?
I never intended to marry an alcoholic. My father had been one. I had tried so hard to carefully choose my husband. Great choice. Frank's problem with drinking had become apparent on our honeymoon when he left our hotel suite late one afternoon and didn't return until the next morning.
Why didn't I see then? Looking back, the signs were clear. What a fool I had been. He's not an alcoholic. Not him,'' I had defended, time and again. I had believed his lies. I had believed my lies. Why didn't I just leave him, get a divorce? Guilt, fear, lack of initiative, and indecision. Besides, I had left him before. When we were apart, all I did was feel depressed, think about him, and worry about money.
Damn me. I looked at the clock. Quarter to three. The kids would soon be home from school. Then he would be home, expecting supper. No housework done today. Nothing ever got done. And it's his fault, I thought. Suddenly, I shifted emotional gears. Was my husband really at work? Maybe he had taken another woman to lunch. Maybe he was having an affair. Maybe he had left early to drink. Maybe he was at work, creating problems there. How long would he have this job, anyway? Another week? Another month?
Then he'd quit or be fired, as usual. The phone rang, interrupting my anxiety. It was a neighbor, a friend. We talked, and I told her about my day. It was a group for people married to drunks. Visions charged into my mind of "the little women" huddled at this meeting, making the most of their husbands' drinking, forgiving them, and thinking of little ways to help them. Page 17 Outrage poured through me, and I barely heard the rest of our conversation. Of course I didn't want to go to Al-Anon.
I had helped and helped. Hadn't I already done enough for him? I felt furious at the suggestion that I do more and continue giving to this bottomless pit of unmet needs we called a marriage. I was sick of shouldering the burden and feeling responsible for the success or failure of the relationship. It's his problem, I railed silently.
Let him find his solution. Leave me out of this. Don't ask another thing of me. Just make him better, and I'll feel better. After I hung up the phone, I dragged myself into the kitchen to fix supper. Anyway, I'm not the one that needs help, I thought. I haven't drank, used drugs, lost jobs, and lied to and deceived those I loved.
I've held this family together, sometimes by the skin of my teeth. I've paid the bills, maintained a home on a scant budget, been there for every emergency and, married to an alcoholic, there had been plenty of emergencies , gone through most bad times alone, and worried to the point of frequent illness. No, I decided, I'm not the irresponsible one. To the contrary, I've been responsible for everything and everyone.
There was nothing wrong with me. I just needed to get going, start doing my daily chores. I didn't need meetings to do that. I'd just feel guilty if I went out when I had all this work to do at home. God knows, I didn't need more guilt. Tomorrow, I'd get up and get busy. Things will be better tomorrow. When the kids came home, I found myself hollering at them.
That didn't surprise them or me. My husband was easygoing, the good guy. I was the bitch. I tried to be pleasant, but it was hard. Anger was always just beneath the surface. For so long, I had tolerated so much. I was no longer willing or able to tolerate anything. I was always on the defensive, and I felt like I was, somehow, fighting for my life.
Later, I learned I was. By the time my husband came home, I had put a disinterested effort into preparing supper. We ate, barely talking. What does that mean? I wondered. What did you really do? Were you even at work? Furthermore, who cares?
Page 18 "How was your day? How in the hell do you think it was? I railed silently. After all you've done to me, how do you expect me to have any day? I flashed him daggers, forced a smile, and said, "My day was okay. Thanks for asking.
He heard what I wasn't saying, more than what I had said. He knew better than to say anything else; I did too.
We were usually one step way from a raving argument, a recount of past offenses, and screamed threats of divorce. We used to thrive on arguments, but we grew sick of them. So we did it silently.
The children interrupted our hostile silence. Our son said he wanted to go to a playground several blocks away. I said no, I didn't want him to go without his father or me. He wailed he wanted to go, he would go, and I never let him do anything.
I yelled he wasn't going, and that was that. He yelled please, I have to go, all the other kids get to go. As usual, I backed down. Okay, go ahead, but be careful, I warned. I felt like I had lost. I always felt like I lostwith my kids and with my husband. No one ever listened to me; no one took me seriously.
I didn't take me seriously. After supper, I washed dishes while my husband watched television. As usual, I work, and you play. I worry, and you relax. I care, and you don't. You feel good; I hurt. Damn you. I walked through the living room several times, purposely blocking his view of the television and secretly flashing him hateful looks.
He ignored me. After tiring of this, I promenaded into the living room, sighed, and said I was going outside to rake the yard.
It's really the man's job, I explained, but I guess I'll have to do it. He said he'd do it later. I said later never came, I couldn't wait, I was embarrassed by the yard, just forget it, I was used to doing everything, and I would do that, too. He said okay, he would forget it. I stormed outside and stomped around the yard.
As tired as I was, bedtime came too early. Sleeping with my husband had become as strained as our waking moments. Page 19 were fineto have sex with me. Either way, it was tense.
If we turned our backs to each other, I would lie there with confused, desperate thoughts. If he tried to touch me, I froze.
How could he expect me to make love to him? How could he touch me as though nothing had happened? Usually I pushed him away with a sharp, "No, I'm too tired. Occasionally, I did it because I wanted to. But, usually, if I had sex with him, it was because I felt obligated to take care of his sexual needs and guilty if I didn't.
Either way, sex was psychologically and emotionally unsatisfying. But, I told myself I didn't care. It didn't matter. Not really. Long ago, I had shut off my sexual desires. Long ago, I had shut off my need to give and receive love. I had frozen that part of me that felt and cared. I had to, to survive. I had expected so much of this marriage. I had so many dreams for us. None of them had come true.
I had been tricked, betrayed. My home and family-the place and people who should have been warm, nurturing, a comfort, a haven of lovehad become a trap. And I couldn't find the way out. Maybe, I kept telling myself, it will get better. After all, the problems are his fault. He's an alcoholic. When he gets better, our marriage will get better. But, I was beginning to wonder. He had been sober and attending Alcoholics Anonymous for six months.
He was getting better. I wasn't. Was his recovery really enough to make me happy? So far, his sobriety didn't appear to be changing the way I felt, which was, at age 32, dried up, used up, and brittle.
What had happened to our love? What had happened to me? One month later, I began to suspect what I would soon learn was the truth. By then, the only thing that had changed was I felt worse. My life had ground to a halt; I wanted it to end. I had no hope that things would get better; I didn't even know what was wrong. I had no purpose, except to care for other people, and I wasn't doing a good job of that.
God seemed to have abandoned me. I felt guilty all the time and wondered if I was going crazy. Page 20 me. It had snuck up on me and ruined my life. Somehow, I had been affected by his drinking, and the ways I had been affected had become my problems. It no longer mattered whose fault it was.
I had lost control. I met Jessica at this point in her life. She was about to learn three fundamental ideas. Alcoholism and other compulsive disorders are truly family illnesses. The way the illness affects other family members is called codependency.
It is similar to catching pneumonia or picking up a destructive habit. Once you've got it, you've got it. It doesn't matter whose fault it is. Your codependency becomes your problem; solving your problems is your responsibility. If you're codependent, you need to find your own recovery or healing process. To begin that recovery, it helps to understand codependency and certain attitudes, feelings, and behaviors that often accompany it.
It is also important to change some of these attitudes and behaviors and understand what to expect as these changes occur. This book will search for those understandings and encourage those changes. I'm happy to say Jessica's story had a happy ending or a new beginning. She got better. She started living her own life. I hope you do too. I mean I'm really codependent. I don't marry men who stop for a few beers after work. I marry men who won't work.
Ellen, an Al-Anon member Maybe you identified with Jessica in the last chapter. Her story is an extreme example of codependency, but it is one I hear frequently. However, Jessica's experience is not the only type of codependency.
There are as many variations of that story as there are codependents to tell them. Here are a few. Gerald, a handsome and personable man in his early forties, calls himself "a success in business but a failure in relationships with women. He was popular and considered a good catch. However, after graduation, Gerald stunned his family and friends when he married Rita. Rita treated Gerald worse than any other woman he had dated. Page 22 married, and she was and had been for some time abusing alcohol and other drugs.
Gerald was devastated. But, after mourning for about two months, he fell wildly in love with another woman, who was a start-in-the-morning-and-drink-'til-she-passes-out alcoholic. After spending several months worrying about her, trying to help her, trying to figure out what he was doing that caused her to drink, trying to control her drinking, and ultimately getting angry with her because she wouldn't stop drinking, Gerald terminated that relationship.
Soon he met another woman, fell in love with her, and moved into her apartment. Within months, Gerald suspected she too was chemically dependent. Soon, Gerald began spending much of his time worrying about his girlfriend. He checked up on her, rummaged through her purse looking for pills or other evidence, and questioned her about her activities. Sometimes, he simply denied she had a problem. During those times, he kept busy, tried to enjoy his time with his girlfriend although he said he felt uneasy , and told himself, "It's just me.
Something's wrong with me. We can talk about anything and everything together. We're such good friends. And I love her. Why does this always happen to me?
Frankly, they're more of a challenge," Gerald confided. Gerald told the counselor he had never used drugs. Gerald's brother, now in his late forties, had been an alcoholic since he was a teenager.
Gerald denied that either of his deceased parents was an alcoholic, but reluctantly admitted his dad may have "drunk too much. Page 23 The counselor suggested the alcoholism and excessive drinking in Gerald's immediate family may still be affecting him and his relationships. When Gerald became less angry about the immediate problem in his relationship, he discontinued counseling.
Gerald decided his girlfriend's problems with drugs weren't that bad. He became convinced his problems with women were due to bad luck. Discusses codependency and contains real-life examples, personal reflections, exercises, and self-tests designed to help people overcome their codependency. In a crisis, it's easy to revert to old patterns. Caring for your well-being during the coronavirus pandemic includes maintaining healthy boundaries and saying no to unhealthy relationships.
The healing touchstone of millions, this modern classic by one of America's best-loved and most inspirational authors holds the key to understanding. This highly anticipated workbook will help readers put the principles from Melody Beattie's international best seller Codependent No More into action in their own lives.
In simple, straightforward terms, Beattie takes you into the territory beyond codependency, into the realm of recovery and relapse, family-of-origin work and relationships, surrender and spirituality. You're learning to let go, to live your life free of the grip of someone else's problems. And yet you find you've just started. Now a modern classic, this book established Beattie as a pioneer in self-help literature and endeared her to millions of readers who longed for healthier relationships.
Twenty-five years later concepts such as self-care and setting boundaries have. Written for those of us who struggle with codependency, these daily meditations offer growth and renewal, and remind us that the best thing we can do is take responsibility for our own self-care. Melody Beattie integrates her own life experiences and fundamental recovery reflections in this unique daily meditation book.
Provides a detailed explanation of the Twelve-Step program designed by Alcoholics Anonymous, accompanied by advice on how to apply the program to codependent issues and cross-addiction.
Do you want to stop relying on relationships to meet all of your emotional needs? Then keep reading Codependent No More is a great way to work in your issues and improve as a human being. Note: This summary is wholly written and published by Readtrepreneur.
It is not affiliated with the original author in any way "Furthermore, worrying about people and problems doesn't help. It doesn't solve problems, it doesn't help other people, and it doesn't help us. It is wasted energy. Melody Beattie's Codependent No More was the foundation for her new twelve step program called "Co-dependents Anonymous" to focus further on the issue and give even more alternatives to help you be happier.
Codependent No More is an extremely helpful book that will aid you get rid of your codependency issue and help you evolve as a human and reach a state of pure bliss. The Time for Thinking is Over! Time for Action! Why Choose Us, Readtrepreneur? Twenty-five years later concepts such as self-care and setting boundaries have become entrenched in mainstream culture. Now Beattie has written a followup volume, The New Codependency, which clears up misconceptions about codependency, identifies how codependent behavior has changed, and provides a new generation with a road map to wellness.
The question remains: What is and what is not codependency? Beattie here reminds us that much of codependency is normal behavior. It's about crossing lines. There are times we do too much, care too much, feel too little, or overly engage. Feeling resentment after giving is not the same as heartfelt generosity.
Narcissism and self-love, enabling and nurturing, and controlling and setting boundaries are not interchangeable terms. In The New Codependency, Beattie explores these differences, effectively invoking her own inspiring story and those of others, to empower us to step out of the victim role forever. Codependency, she shows, is not an illness but rather a series of behaviors that once broken down and analyzed can be successfully combated.
Each section offers an overview of and a series of activities pertaining to a particular behavior -- caretaking, controlling, manipulation, denial, repression, etc. These sections, in conjunction with a series of tests allowing us to assess the level of our codependent behavior, demonstrate that while it may not seem possible now, we have the power to take care of ourselves, no matter what we are experiencing.
Punctuated with Beattie's renowned candor and intuitive wisdom, The New Codependency is an owner's manual to learning to be who we are and gives us the tools necessary to reclaim our lives by renouncing unhealthy practices. You're learning to let go, to live your life free of the grip of someone else's problems.
It is a book about what to do once the pain has stopped and you've begun to suspect that you have a life to live. It is about what happens next. In simple, straightforward terms, Beattie takes you into the territory beyond codependency, into the realm of recovery and relapse, family-of-origin work and relationships, surrender and spirituality.
With personal stories, hard-won insights, and activities, her book teaches the lessons of dealing with shame, growing in self-esteem, overcoming deprivation, and getting past fatal attractions long enough to find relationships that work. Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time: You're learning to let go, to live your life free of the grip of someone else's problems.
Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency: Melody Beattie integrates her own life experiences and fundamental recovery reflections in this unique daily meditation book written especially for those of us who struggle with the issue of codependency.
Problems are made to be solved, Melody reminds us, and the best thing we can do is take responsibility for our own pain and self-care. In this daily inspirational book, Melody provides us with a thought to guide us through the day and she encourages us to remember that each day is an opportunity for growth and renewal.
More Language of Letting Go: New Daily Meditations: This new volume of meditations offers clients ongoing wisdom and guidance about relationship issues. An excellent enhancement to therapy, daily thoughts provide clients with ongoing insights into issues such as surrendering, the damaging effects of manipulation, and healthy communication.
More Language of Letting Go shares unsentimental, direct help for clients recovering from chemical dependency, healing from relationships and family issues, and exploring personal growth. If you like this summary, please purchase and read the original book for full content experience! The author of this book, Mrs.
Melodie Beattie encountered numerous codependents during her recovery from alcohol and drug addiction. What does it mean to be codependent? How does a codependent behave?
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